How NOT 2 Lose a Guy in 10 minutes!

#HookLine&LandHim

The ugly truth about CATFISHING in the world of ‘online baiting!’  ❌ 🐡

-Tools to AVOID the following:

Tinder 💤nightmares…. Bumble🐝 stings….Unharmonious 🎧 E-Harmony …A Match 💔made in Hell 🔥

Be confident in who you are.. 🙌🏻that is the most attractive quality a girl can have! 😍

Rule #1: 

Always UNDER-promise and OVER-deliver! Don’t sell yourself short by any means.. Just be realistic, honest, and transparent with yourself and whomever you are trying to bait!

High expectations  lead to one thing.. DISAPPOINTMENT! 😔You don’t appreciate it when you order something online and realize you were mislead when it arrives..😡 Same as you expect what you were told by the manufacturers description, you need to be honest in your bio and stay true to who you are!!! 👫When guys go online shopping for girlfriends.. they can spot a phony faster than we could tell the difference between a real Louis Vuitton and an inspired one! 👛👛 ❓

EXAMPLE:

Bio said she was 29, just ended long relationship, career-oriented and 105 pounds.. (imagine what her date is expecting..) GUYS IF IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.. SWIPE LEFT! 🙅🏼‍♂️

What does he get? A girl that looks 55, tweeking on meth, constantly talks about her ex.. (Cap’n Jesse the cook..) 😷 And tells him her top career goal is cooking and dealing the bluest “ice” in Texas! 🌀

YIKES!! While she may have technically been honest.. she wasn’t genuine and TRUTHFUL.. don’t mislead with bait that won’t hold up to a bite!

Rule #2:  Don’t bait with filtered photos

⚠️ WARNING: Person in photo is not as they appear.. 

EXAMPLE: Girl is HOTT (guy words.. I don’t even know what the extra T is for.. lol) in her photos.. #Flawless

GUYS.. FLAWLESS IS AS MYTHICAL AS A UNICORN: SWIPE LEFT!!!

DE-filter your photos!!! While we all love how beautiful the Snapchat filters make us.. (especially the flower headdress one.. it gives you pretty blue eyes.. needleless-Botox (aka.. Botox in a filter).. and teeth as white as cotton..) so many girls have this as their profile pic on social media and dating sites..

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT IS A FILTER.. and you appear less confident in your looks with this as a profile pic! I admit.. I get caught up in Snapchat filter entertainment worse than an 80’s kid (aka.. a Pre-Millennial) playing Mario Bros.. on the original Nintendo for the first time! Back when trouble-shooting consisted of ejecting the game and blowing in the bottom of it with all your might to rid the little gold squares of dust particles..

Well.. actually, this may have been the trouble-shooting efforts of Pre-Millennials in West Texas.. a place not-familiar to many.. but, where sandstorms are familiar to all! In fact.. the sandstorms are so big here.. they should be graded on the Richter scale! Windy with a chance of brown skies… and decreased visibility..

These storms are so blinding and powerful.. that, in the near-decade I was gone to the city.. they even got a new name!

The local news stations even use the terminology.. the first time I heard it.. “A large haboob is headed in this afternoon.. seek safety and shelter.. ” I thought.. well I guess I should have listened to my mom’s irrational fear of the world.. 😱 and learned the practices of a doomsday prepper since ISIS or the Taliban is storming into town today.. turns out we just now “use” the Middle-Eastern term haboob for sandstorm.. 💨

Back to rule #2:

Don’t mask your self or image with a Snapchat filter of any kind in your photos for ‘online baiting’.. Clear the visibility.. don’t get caught up in a haboob of filters and disguises.. Be proud of your looks and tell yourself how sexy you are in the mirror every day!

Rule #3:

Flaunt those curves!! Own up to your size! 

⚠️ WARNING: Person in photo is larger than they appear.. 

I actually just had a guy tell me about a girl who posted a rant on her FB about how appalled she was that a guy she had been ‘online baiting’ asked her to send a recent full body pic..

Not a naked or sexting pic.. just one that would properly illustrate her size.. turns out a lot of girls.. according to guys.. only have close-up pictures of their faces on their profiles..

So, the guy is disappointed when he shows up for the date and while the girl is a 10 in the face.. she is a lot more curvy and luscious than her photos.. and the guy texts his friends ‘Butter-face 🚨 Alert” (nothing looks good but-her-face!) to fake an emergency and bail immediately…

While this guys request may be shallow.. you can’t force him to want or be attracted to something!! He obviously is shallow about that.. and it is just easier to say.. I’m a lot to love.. or I have big girl curves.. and set the expectation in a way that exudes confidence! Snap a selfie in a long mirror.. send and if he doesn’t respond.. who cares? It saves you from public humiliation.. and and world of hurt.. TRUST ME.. YOU are better off not baiting that one! 🙌🏻

Nothing is more frustersfing than a continuous cycle of catch and release in the sea of online baiting.. 

Have a girls night.. Go bargain shopping for outfits that showcase who you really are.. inside and out! Have some wine with your #Girlboss friends.. and practice the art of selfies together until you have photos that don’t need a filter or warning label for online baiting! There are plenty of 🐠🐟🐡🐋🐬🐳 in the sea! Quit catching the bottom-feeders.. be an honest and confident #GirlbossOnlineBaiter 👫

And guys… don’t think you’re getting off the “hook” that easy. Be honest as well.. we all know if you say you’re 6′  to expect 5’10”.. but seriously.. be honest about your height, and all your insecurities! Put yourself out there and get “hooked” by a real good #girlboss! ❤️

-Jenn (America’s Most-Experienced Online Baiter)  🙆🏼

#NoCatfishAllowed ❌🐡 (Catch & Release Only)

#KidlessMILF

So.. I’m 34, divorced.. no kids… at my age, most women are married or single moms.

I often get down.. wishing for the life I thought I would have at 34.. a husband, a suburban full of kids, and a back porch with a bench swing  in the country where I could see the stars light-years away!

In my grandma’s day.. someone like me would be labeled an old maid or today a cat lady rather. Well.. I’m not a maid and I hate cats!

My childhood bestie loves her Cats.. she has 3.. and signs all over her house.. like:

CAT MOM.. All you need is ❤️ and a 😼!

You Had Me at Meow.. #CatLivesMatter..

Not me.. no signs and definitely no CATS! After dissecting a hairy black cat in nursing school that came in a shrink-wrapped plastic sack of formaldehyde with a sticker that said.. “Made in Mexico”.. I gag at cats!

Older women these days are referred to as cougars or MILFs.. well since again, I hate cats and and have no kids.. what am I?

At the Aggie/Bama game 🏈a couple of years ago.. a group of boys whistled at me and yelled.. “Wow.. you are one hot MILF!”

I didn’t even blink before I turned around at them and yelled back, “I don’t even have any kids!!!” 🙅🏼

And before I could even turn back around my best guy friend busts out laughing.. and if you knew him.. you would hear his sarcastic voice saying.. “Jenn.. we sure are glad you are attractive enough to be called a MILF before you even have any kids..” 😂

So there you have it.. I am a kid-less MILF!  A KILF! 💃🏼

KILF is the new cat lady! A kid-less MILF ❌👶🏻 and cat-less  ❌😼 Cat Lady! 🙌🏻

While, my life isn’t what I thought it would be at 34.. my friends and family have made me see that I have a great life! I have a great job and people that love me. And I have a cute house that I’m in control of and I can do whatever I want! And.. I don’t have to sleep with a ceiling fan on.. (why does everyone use those things.. )

When my guy friends get asked why and how I’m still single.. their typical reply is.. 80 degrees.. she keeps her thermostat at 80 degrees!

And guess what? I do!!! And I not only have control over the thermostat.. I have control over the remote.. how loud I play the music in the shower.. never run out of hot water in the shower… etc.

As much as I long for more in my life.. I need to look at what I have in my closet.. and realize I have a lot to be thankful for..👗👠👚👙👖👒👑👡🕶👟

Resolving the Is-shoe:

Don’t forget what matters.. and your go-to outfits are your BFF’s 4-Life.. stay true to them.. don’t lose sight to the flashier things.. they will come and go..

Trust your instincts.. people that matter dont’t mind.. and people that mind don’t matter..

Go spring shopping in your own closet and piece together a cute outfit, wear some bright colored jewelry and match the shoes! (And Lip-sense) Wear something in color and give them something to talk about!

-Jenn (America’s Most Eligible KILF)

*Must Hate Cats ❌😼

#SmartCarProblems

#Is-shoe 5:

ARE YOU SMARTER 🤓THAN A SMART  CAR 🚗?

#smartcarproblems #issues

UPDATE: this just came across my FB memories today.. and well.. I guess I have a sequel to this story..  🔑❌

ONE YEAR AGO: 

The moment when you’re in a parking lot and keep trying to close your trunk repeatedly, looking for whatever is in the way to make it keep opening as soon as it shuts.. And after completely reorganizing everything it pops back open!!

If this ever happens to you..

Think:

Duh.. Your keys are in your trunk somewhere! Thank goodness for keyless keys and modern technology!! And.. All this time.. I thought I was just doing better about not locking my keys in the car.. 😜😂

ONE YEAR LATER: (this week

That moment when you’re in a parking lot and you have somewhere important to be.. (and you are still thankful for keyless keys that saved you from locking them in your trunk a year ago..)

Only this time, You keep trying to lock your car with the button on the door.. and you keep hearing a double beep.. so you are smart enough to know your keys are not in your suitcase-sized purse on your arm..  they must be in the car.. 🤔

You look and double look all the normal places you’ve found them before.. 👀(floorboard, passenger seat, etc) and your keys are no-where and you know they are in the car because it won’t let you lock it.. and you can’t leave your stuff in the car without locking it.. 😳

So.. you just keep playing Chinese fire drill with yourself.. while all the people in the parking lot are watching you and possibly Snapchatting your odd behavior to their stories..

Amazing how, in this search, you have found so many things you were missing… (favorite curling iron, the mate to brown wedge you walked around limping for half an hour looking for, the pile of receipts you need for your expense report, etc) But you didn’t find the ONE thing you were looking for! Your keys..

Time to use a phone a friend.. for this one I’m calling in the help of my handler.. Terri!

Jenn.. you left them in your garage on the table last night when you kept trying to figure out which light was still on in your car.. I’m sure they are there..

So.. what happened?

I think the moral of the story is.. my smart car is too smart for me! 😂😂😂

And so is my handler, Terri! 👯‍♂️

(I had left my keys at home.. and the spare is somewhere in my car.. don’t ask me where.. ) #hotmess #clueless #smartcarproblems 

In addition to the E❌-terminator app, I need someone to invent an Alexa that goes with me everywhere and knows where I put everything.. like a Siri and Alexa combination.. #sirilexa 👯‍♂️ Like a robotic handler.. until then.. I’m glad I have Terri! 😂😂

Btw.. Happy Cinco de Mayo! Don’t forget to check your local Margarita specials today!

Take advantage of one of the cheapest happy hour days of the year! Cheers!! Salud!! 🍺🍸🍹🌮 #cheapdrinks

#E❌-Terminator

Most of my stories, begin with.. “you wouldn’t believe it if I told you..” but I’m going to anyway..

And the truth has, shall and will set me free every time, as the response I most often hear is.. “Oh.. I believe you!! No one (not even you, Jenn) could make that $hi+ up!” Ha ha!

The inspiration for this blog begins with a charity gala and the need to bargain shop for a gown.. climaxes with an almost tragic turn of events.. (but bear through it folks.. I promise I’m okay now..) and this one does have a happy ending.

I just realized some of my verbiage in the previous paragraph and feel the need to clarify.. No massages were involved.. in case your mind was falling off in the gutter! ☺️

Anyhow.. back to the dress shopping.. Most of my friends use Rent the Runway.. and well.. that’s just not an option for me being the hot mess express I am for a multitude of reasons:

1) I cannot count on anything I haven’t tried on.. I like to think I have prominent lady-like curves.. not that I’m  boody or booby-licious.. which is what a lot of the FB “creepers” refer to it as in the innappropriate messages they send until I can block them from all contact.. what I like to call “ex-terminate”.. a phrase I coined after a number of nasty breakups/stalkers/psychos.. and the need to block them from my phone, and then…

Oh.. here we go with the FB messager hate mail.. and don’t forget about Snapchat! (I’ve never been a twitter or a tweeter rather.. its too confusing for me), but even without a Twitter, it was a pain in my booty-liciousness 😏 because I had to individually block them from each app…

Suddenly, light bulb 💡 goes off in my ADD engulfed brain:

WHY don’t I just invent an app that deletes them from EVERYTHING AT ONCE.. I’ll call it the Ex-Terminator.. In fact, it’s such a great idea I’m sure I could get ole Arnold to do a little cameo for me and say.. “Hasta la Vista, baby! You’re ex-terminated.. and.. No.. I won’t be back!” ❌👍🏻

Turns out making an app is a lot harder than starting a blog so, here I am.. 🙌🏻

And besides all that, Arnold hasn’t returned any of my calls, YET!  🙄 (yes… that part IS a joke,) like I would ever expect a 😎 Terminator-Kindergarten Cop-Badass-Governor to call me back about an app idea.. 😕

But, in case you’re reading this Arnold.. (boys have a beep and girls have a beep..)
What?? No harm here..  It can’t bad for me to quote, since it’s from movie based around in Kindergarten class.. And 20 something years later people still think it’s funny! Well.. I’m pretty sure the pint-sized redheaded principal may still be a little bent out of shape over it..  🙈 Now whose mind is in the gutter.. must I ex-terminate myself! Lol!

SQUIRREL!!!! My ADD is in full force today.. Very well.. On to the next reason a rental dress is not an option for me..

2) I can’t even make it through a morning (and by morning I mean walking to my car first thing) without spilling coffee on myself a few times.. much less make it through a dinner and cocktail hour without spilling something or snagging threads on a dress I’ve “rented” for the evening..

3) Furthermore, I would have to order at least 4 rentals to ensure I at least a 50 percent chance of finding one to fit my curves!  Then.. My credit card 💳 would then get maxed out from the full payment charge of 4 👗👗👗👗dresses.. because I would NEVER remember to send them back!

My bank account is a lot less empty (still not full unfortunately) since the invention of Netflix downloads! I don’t think I ever returned any Red Box movie and was charged the full 29.99 every time. 🤔 I’m lucky I surround myself with friends that balance me.. particularly my friend Terri AKA my “handler!” Lol!

While Terri and I differ in a lot of ways, it’s a healthy balance (she’s the yin to my yang).. We both have big hearts and a love of bargain shopping which is where this story finally begins..

A trip to ROSS.. only to be continued.. til Is-Shoe #4!

SORRY NOT SORRY! I warned you in the first blog of my constant chatter.. Until next time.. Go find some GIRLBOSS bargains!

Tbe more likes this gets the quicker I’ll tell the rest of the story!

-Jenn with more is-shoes 👠 than Newsweek

#Confe$$ion$OfA$hopaholic

SHOP LIKE A BARGAIN GIRLBOSS

Hi, my name is Jenn and I'm a bargain shopaholic! 
I honestly have more "is-shoes" than Vogue, or should 
I say more issues than Newsweek, since it's printed 
on a weekly basis.

Luckily, these issues are easily addressed and resolved during my weekly visits with multiple (18 to be exact ) psychiatrists… I know what you’re thinking… “This girl is CRAY!!!”.. and while you may be on to something, that isn’t why I’m at those visits. Truthfully, I’m a “drug dealer”, and… don’t go calling the DEA on me.. by that I mean a “legal drug dealer” who sells pharmaceuticals. I am lucky to have a career that I love and the free therapy that comes along as an added bonus.

Why all the issues??? Well.. I have moved 17 times in the 6 years since my divorce. And by moved, I mean I actually didn’t really move anything.. I just packed a bag, fit what I could in my car, and kept landing in all the wrong places over and over again 16 times before this last one. Hopefully the 17th time is the charm! Living life as a gypsy leads to issues… financial issues.. emotional issues.. relationship issues.. “is-shoes” of all types.

Retail therapy (re-tail ther-a-py)  – noun /humorous : shopping in order to make oneself feel happier.

With champagne taste on a beer budget, retail therapy must come cheap! My solution:

Bargain retail therapy- the act of filling up my closet without draining my wallet!! Ha Ha! Who wouldn’t feel happier after buying 7 pairs of shoes for the price of 1, a designer handbag for 80 percent off, and a dress that makes them look and feel like a million bucks, yet cost less than 10? I mean sometimes, things are so cheap it is as if the store is paying me to buy them…. Or at least that’s how I justify it. 😉

Anyone who knows me, knows I find my outfits/shoes/home decor/cute phone cases and chargers/patio furniture/jewelry etc.. at bargain prices and 99 percent of the time I say.. “Ross and it was 9.99”.. Bargain shopping is my hobby, and since so many ask how I do it, I’ll be sharing all my bargain finds and a weekly “is-shoe” in this blog. Stay tuned for Is-shoe #2.. at bargaingirlboss.com.